Can You ever Read a Post about Twilight Too Often?

This has been a crazy week.  I’ve decided to look over some of my older posts that make me laugh and repost them.  Sometimes when I don’t know how to handle world events, I try to find something lighthearted.

Here is a post from 2010; back when Twilight was the biggest thing EVER.  I wanted to get a book on CD (that’s also how long ago it was.)  I pulled into Jordan’s Landing in Utah and my life was never the same again.  (That link is for the book.  In case you haven’t heard of the books before and NEED one.)  (I’ve also added links for other groups that are still available.)

Going Back to Forks

I recently had a truly outer-body experience.  It made me realize that I am not a fanatic.  About anything.  It kind of made me sad.  Should I become so infatuated with something that I know everything and everyone that has ever been associated with it?  So far this year I have realized that I am not truly a Barry Manilow fan (I have not earned a fanilow nor a maniloonie designation) and now I have come to realize that I am by no stretch of the imagination, a Twilight fanatic.  I believe they are called Twihards.

I found myself in Utah on Tuesday, June 29, 2010.  This would be the day that Eclipse would premiere at midnight.  I guess it would technically happen on the 30th, but the events leading up to midnight happened on the 29th.  I walked into a Cinemark planning on watching the latest Tom Cruise flick when I saw that the marquee had been changed.  Every line was listing times for Eclipse.  I walked into the theater and saw signs for special Eclipse products.  “Quench his Thirst” and buy a mega-sized soda.  “Prepare your neck” and buy a necklace.  I was in awe.  I bought my Tom Cruise movie ticket (which came with no special products) and asked if they had any Eclipse tickets left.  They were showing the film at 12:00, 12:10, 12:20, 12:30, 2:20, 2:30, 2:40, 4:00, 4:30.  I may have missed some of the times, but I believe you can understand where I am heading.  I bought a ticket for the 2:30am show.  I figured I would never be in Utah again for a Twilight release and I must go.

After realizing that I would be going to bed at 5 am and then driving to Montana, I headed over to Barnes and Noble at Jordan Landing.  I wanted to get some audio books and I ended up changing my life.

I noticed the movie theater at Jordan Landing and I thought I would see if they had any tickets for an earlier show.  I parked the car and walked toward the theater and I started to notice a few things.  I noticed that I was walking among a lot of adult women in Eclipse t-shirts.  I also noticed tents set up.  When I saw a Volvo and a replica of Bella’s truck, I realized I was in for a treat.  Events by Alice had bought out two theaters and they were having a premier party.  For $35, I could get a seat in the theater, get a mini-manicure, get hair glimmer, get body glitter (so I could sparkle like a vampire), and I could get my photo taken with a Forks background.  I was in awe.  I was dumbfounded.  I asked if there was a cheaper package and I got my ticket, a pass to the photo booth and a chance to win prizes for $18.

I was given a report card, a test your skills score card, a New Moon poster and a free Vitamin Water.  With the report card, I was to find women with red umbrellas who would ask me questions in one of eight categories.  In order to enter into the drawing, I had to get an “A” in every one.  I went to social studies.  I was asked: “What beach did Jacob and Bella walk along and is part of the reservation?”  I said:  “Quaaludes.”  (The answer is La Push).  Now the reason I gave this answer is two fold.  The tribe Jacob belongs to is the Quileutes which sounds very similar, and I believe I was looking around thinking that instead of Vitamin Water, a few of the women needed Quaalude samples instead.  I got an “F”.

I moved on to Art.  She asked me what color Edward’s bedspread is and what color Bella’s shirt that the vampires take is.  The only reason I knew what was on Bella’s bracelet was because Katherine got a plastic one from Burger King a couple days ago.  I asked the woman if people really knew the answers to these questions.  She looked at me like she couldn’t believe I didn’t.

There were four jewelry booths selling Bella’s bracelet.  There was one booth selling bead watches.  They each had a tag on them explaining the inspiration for the design.  One watch was inspired by the forest of Forks, Washington.  It was a green watch.  Another was inspired by New Moon.  It was a white and silver watch.  I asked if she had a watch inspired by Quaaludes.  She didn’t answer me.

I walked over towards the Volvo and the Truck.  People were taking pictures in front of the Volvo.  They could have done this at any Volvo dealership in the United States, but this was special I guess.  I asked one of the workers where they got the car.  They told me that at the first event they sponsored, Ken Garff sold a Volvo and has offered to supply cars ever since.  I asked if it was a special Edward edition where the AC was always on and it was energy efficient, running only on blood, but she didn’t answer me.

There was a Twilight Moms booth selling all sorts of interesting stuff.  There was a plaque with five forks screwed on it.  You were supposed to put pictures in between the tines.  One tine was curved down and had a charm on it.  It was a “Forks” picture holder.  They wanted $35.  I asked if I got any knives or spoons with it.  No one answered me.

I went into a restaurant to eat before the TWO HOUR preshow.  I was surrounded by women who did not have teenage daughters with them.  They were here for themselves.  The table closest to me wore matching t-shirts with red sparkles in their hair and fake “Bite Me” tattoos.  (I am giving them the benefit of the doubt and saying these were fake.)  One woman told me that her daughter was coming, but on the condition she did not squeal like a teenage girl whenever Jacob came on screen.  I was confused as to why she wasn’t allowed to scream.  “My daughter knows how to behave among the Twilight Moms.”  Then the table started dancing to “Holding out for a Hero” and I left.

I got to my seat, and the festivities started.  I received hand warmers and a book mark upon entering the theater.  I’m not sure what the hand warmers were for, but the book mark was made by Events by Alice.  It had charms on it that represented  Eclipse.  A wolf representing Jacob; a crystal heart representing Edward; a Swiss flag because Bella declares she is Switzerland; a graduation cap because they graduate; and finally, a bottle of ashes to represent “the newborn army of Vampires being defeated and burned to ashes.”  What?  One of the charms represents death and destruction?  And I thought Twilight moms were harmless, lonely women.  Who knew they were sadists?

They threw around beach balls and if you caught one when the whistle blew, you got a Volvo key chain.  My seat number was called out and I won a “Slumber Party with Alice.”  It was a small makeup case with some M&Ms, a sparkle lip gloss, a small bottle of nail polish and nail clippers.  Alice needs to have better slumber parties.

The Twilight Music Girls performed.  They are a group of five women that writes music about the Twilight series.  I’m being honest.  Ballroom Utah danced three dances inspired by the Twilight Saga.  There were look-a-likes.  There was screaming and laughing and then the movie started.  There was a hush.  There was no squealing.  There were little laughs whenever Edward was funny.  There were sighs when Jacob was naked (there were A LOT of sighs).  It was really boring.

I watched the movie wishing I was back in Montana where teens were allowed to squeal, shout and let their hormones fly.  I realized I had another ticket in my pocket.  I went to the 2:30 showing.  It was full of teenage girls.  I missed half the dialogue because of the screams.  The movie was SO MUCH BETTER.

So that was my Premier experience.  It changed my life.  It made me realize that I believe with every fiber of my being that every teenage girl, no matter where they are or who they are with, should be able to scream whenever Jacob has no shirt on.  Finally, I am a fanatic about something

author
Marianne Hansen

I am a humor writer, wife of a dentist, mother of 3 and purchaser of shoes. I have a JD from U of Iowa, and an MA and a BA from BYU, but I’m still trying to convince my family I know what I’m talking about. When not writing or watching bad television, I can be found answering the question: “What would happen if I…”

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