In 2009, I was Fascinated with Poison and Bandanas

Bob Bekian

Today’s repost is from 2009.  I have a fascination with certain rock bands and singers.  I love reading autobiographies by rock stars.  They’ve worked hard to get where they are, but then they start making life choices that only rock stars can make.

For a while, I found Bret Michaels from Poison to be incredibly captivating.  I still do, to be honest.  It’s the bandana.

Poison

I believe I have an unnatural fascination with Bret Michaels. It started with Season 2 of Rock of Love. It amazes me how girls can cry over a guy who wears a bandana on his head ALL the time. I wonder if the long blonde hair is actually a wig. He wore the bandana when he took a girl to a fancy restaurant. She was in a formal; he had on a t-shirt and bandana. I’m pretty sure it was a clean t-shirt, but still…

Right now E True Hollywood Story is on. It’s about Bret. (I feel as though I deserve to call him by his first name; I’ve watched four episodes of Rock of Love) I am feeling as though I have been lied to my whole life. The member of the band that I thought was CC wasn’t. I just watched the part where CC was kicked out of the band and it wasn’t the guy who I thought. I feel as though during my teenage years I was living a lie.

In addition, Slash of Guns and Roses was almost Poison’s guitarist but he wouldn’t do the glam thing. Big mistake.

The odd thing is that I never was into Poison as a teenager. Yes, I wanted to dance with a boy to Every Rose has a Thorn, but I also wanted to dance with a boy to Stairway to Heaven and that is the worst slow song ever written – It’s 15 minutes long and it has a heavy guitar rift in the middle that you can’t really slow dance to but you can’t really fast dance either and so you end up just going around in circles for the whole song feeling like an idiot. The horror.

I just learned that Bret is a dad. Instead of diapers, they used biodegradable bandanas.  (Okay.  This is just an assumption on my part.)

He hasn’t found his Rock of Love in a mansion so now he is trying it on a bus. I think he is right. He really should try the bus. It has nothing to do with whether or not a girl you would want to fall in love with probably wouldn’t make out with you in front of 10 others and your first kiss with her was great because it tasted of beer and Doritos.  He gives out bandanas instead of roses.

The True Hollywood Story is over, and I feel as though it has truly changed me.  I was shocked to find out that when Poison‘s first album came out, no one could tell if the group was women or men. And it altered my existence to see that he started wearing the bandanas in the 80’s. Perhaps I should go back to my 80’s hairstyle. I admit that I don’t read Vogue, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pictures of over-permed hair shaped into a triangle with claw like bangs coming back into style. I’ll call Juan immediately.

PS

I never went back to my 80’s hair style.  It’s not environmentally friendly to use that much hair product.  And Juan would never let me anyhow.

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Marianne Hansen

I am a humor writer, wife of a dentist, mother of 3 and purchaser of shoes. I have a JD from U of Iowa, and an MA and a BA from BYU, but I’m still trying to convince my family I know what I’m talking about. When not writing or watching bad television, I can be found answering the question: “What would happen if I…”

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