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How to Have My Morning In 11 Easy Steps

Step 1: Turn on “I’m Alive” by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews to wake up the kids.

Step 2: Hit something on your iPhone so that you actually wake up the kids to “Dude Looks Like a Lady.”

Step 3: Start cooking pancakes but forget to actually turn the burner on and stand there watching Good Morning America with a spatula in your hand until you realize the pancakes are just not cooking.

Step 4: Worry that something is broken on your stove before you realize it just isn’t turned on.

Step 5: Make your kids a blueberry, grape, apple, spinach smoothie and then get told that it tastes too much like a blueberry and grape smoothie and not enough apple.

Step 6: Start making your daughter’s lunch.  Ask if she’d like the last mini bagel with cream cheese.  Have her ask you if there is something in the bagel because she sees a red dot on it.  Cut open the bagel.  Find one single Craisin.  Have daughter REFUSE to eat the bagel because it is NOT a plain bagel.

Step 7: Consider driving to the bagel store, showing them the bagel and telling them that one Craisin is going to bring down the infrastructure of the free world.

Step 8: Instead, go to the bagel store and get yourself an egg and cheese sandwich and a hot chocolate.

Step 9: But first, drop your kids off at the school door because it is -26 F (-32.222 C).  Then park the car and walk across the parking lot holding a fruit salad that freezes in the 2 minutes it takes to get to the school.

Step 10: Also order a cinnamon roll at the bagel store because you gave up the no sugar goal of 2014 last week and don’t plan on restarting until Monday because you can’t seem to start different eating habits on any day besides Monday.

Step 11: Realize that tomorrow morning will be similar except without the bagel because you chucked the last one across the frozen landscape.

Step 12: Replace your neighbors window that you just broke with a frozen bagel.  (Ok.  That didn’t happen.  Mostly because I don’t have a good throwing arm.)


If you look closely, you can see the bagel.

If you look closely, you can see the bagel.



  1. le0pard13 says:

    Trying to imagine what a newly crunchy salad would taste like. Then I remembered my days of stocking a walk-in freezing and decided against it ;-).

  2. marshajudkins says:

    Is it really that cold there? I am horrified with sympathy for you. I don’t know if that is a real phrase, but it accurately describes how I feel. I am so glad you got yourself an egg and cheese sandwich and a hot chocolate. That usually makes me feel better.

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