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Life has been a fascinating experiment lately. I’ve been doing my best to have fun and enjoy myself and laugh and do some writing and some reading and some daydreaming that I could go off to a beach and not have a care in the world. (When I went to the dentist and started crying as I congratulated him on the birth of his son, I realized I wasn’t daydreaming hard enough.)
Last night I dreamt I was back in school; finally getting that MA in English. It felt so natural being in school again. I kept wondering why I had ever left. And then I remembered that what I really wanted to be doing was writing. And then I remembered I had a husband and children after I was really confused what I had been doing since last graduating. Why in the world hadn’t I stayed in school?
There were a lot of weird symbols in the dream as well, but I’ve decided not to figure out what all of them mean because I got the main point. I want to write.
I have my manuscript printed off and ready to be edited.
Instead, I’ve started another manuscript.
I think right now I want to be writing instead of editing. I’ve decided that’s okay.
I’m not sure if it’s the right way to do things, but I keep hearing David Sedaris telling me that things have to happen organically.
I’ve interpreted this to mean I should do what feels right as long as I don’t use it as an excuse to NEVER edit or query or pitch.
I do plan on going to conferences to pitch and sell my soul. I just haven’t decided which ones yet. Maybe I’ll randomly find some I should go to. And it will become an organic experience. And maybe, looking back at my latest dental experience (no cavities, by the way), I will have to spend my organic conference time with a fake smile on my face and forcing myself to work past the cloud in my heart and my fear.
And maybe I will naturally work through my emotions while I keep figuring everything out. But I have a feeling I will have to push myself and fake a few things along the way. I’m just trying to lessen the pushing as much as possible by doing things that feel okay. Naturally.
I just hope this new approach doesn’t mean I have to eat organically.
I do believe Coke Zero is the basis of pure happiness and beauty, however. So I guess the main staple of my diet is an organic one.